Stage V: Empowered

A week later, I went to see Dr. Letitia because of a migraine. At the end of the appointment, he invited me into his office for a talk. "We've been seeing a lot of each other."

I felt uneasy. "Not as much as we used to. I'm sorry I keep coming in here wasting your time on things that don't pan out. I want you to know that everytime I get a pain, I wait until it becomes a real problem before coming in." I decided I needed more than one doctor.

He nodded. "I understand. Tell me what's been going on in your life?"

"Not much these days. For awhile I was thinking about changing careers. I'd narrowed it down to three possibilities. But I'm not doing that anymore."

"Why not?"

I tried to sound self assured. "I studied seven years to get this career. I've only worked at it for three. I can't just leave. Plus, I have a mortgage, car payment, bills. They won't just go away."

"Could your parents help you if you were to make a change?"

I shrugged. "Maybe, but they wouldn't like it.

They like me working at Alguno."

"Dana, I think a lot of the health complaints you've been having are caused by stress. I think the only way to get you to a hundred percent is to remove the stress or have you find a way to deal with it. I don't know if changing jobs is what you need, but something needs to change. I'm going to give you the names of a couple of really good specialists. It doesn't matter which one you choose to see, but choose one." He wrote some names and numbers on a piece of paper and handed it to me.

"Psychologists?" I asked with disdain.
He didn't hesitate. "Psychiatrists. They can prescribe the special medicines I think you may require. In the meanwhile, feel free to come and see me as often as you need. And don't worry. You're not wasting my time."

I put the paper into my pocket and seriously considered my doctor problem-I could stop seeing Dr. Letitia all together or I could alternate his visits with other physicians. No one would know, except my insurance company.

I walked around with that paper in my wallet for weeks. I'd see it everytime I took out a credit card or my drivers license. I considered calling one of the names or throwing the paper away. But always, I just stuck it back in my wallet.

"Hey." He walked into the living room and collapsed onto the couch. "Do you have anything to drink?"

"Juice?" He looked at me like I was stupid. "Gin?" He nodded. I went for the bottles that had come as Christmas gifts. "So, how did things go last night?"

He opened a bottle and took a swallow before answering. "Not good."

"Did Heather complain about you not wanting to have kids?"

"No. She left soon after you did." He took a couple of swallows.

"She left? To where?" Hell, she was living there.

"Back to her apartment, I guess. It was right after she told me she was pregnant."

"Oh shit!" I opened a bottle and took a drink.
"Yeah, and goddamn." He took another drink.
"What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to have to marry her." Drink.

I thought about how he'd seemed less interested in her. "Do you love Heather?" I asked slowly.
"I don't know."

I took a breath and then a drink. Then, very cautiously I said, "You don't have to marry her."

He exploded off the couch. "Yes I do, dammit!" He began pacing the room with angry strides. "My child will NOT be a BASTARD! My child will NOT become a confirmatory statistic. My child will have at least one reason to hold his head up."
I held up my hands. "OK, OK, but it had to be said. What does Heather want to do?"

He stood in front of the window with his bottle. "I don't know. I haven't been able to reach her. I've left messages on her machine and I went over there twice, but she isn't answering."

"Did she know how you felt about kids?"

"Yes, since the beginning. I was very clear about it. It's not that I don't want kids. I love Britany. If I could just see that there was any possibility for a positive outcome, I'd do it. But I know in my heart, it's doomed."

"Maybe she went to her parents' house."

"They live in New Jersey."

"Girlfriend's house?"

"I tried the two I know. Both said they hadn't seen her."

"You know," I said, "when I consider it, I can't think of very many who'd be better father material. You have a lot of integrity, you're thoughtful, well educated, financially secure. Exactly the kind of Black person we need to have children."

His head slowly turned to face me. "Fuck you."
"OK, sorry. What are you going to do?"
He came back to the sofa and dropped his head in defeat. "I don't know."

Introduction
Stage I: Fledglings
Stage II: Chocolate Cream
Stage III: Rage & Destroy
Stage IV: Wanna Be Blacks
Stage V: Empowered
Stage VI: Passing